A coffin maker’s guide to heaven and hell

Somewhere in Kyebongotoko, a drunk man arrives at a fork in the road. He struggles to decide which turn will lead him home before resigning his fate to a game; ‘ding-ding-dong.’ He goes until a finger drops to his right. In which direction he staggers without much ado. Less than a minute later he returns mumbling to himself before staggering to the left. A minute later he returns vexed and pale.

“Bloody Christ, there’s got to be a hot coal in my head!” he mutters before heading straight back in the direction he came. Deciding it wise to retrace his steps from the drinking place.

The story above is not an endorsement for tea-drinking.

Moving on. Where to start? #UgandaDecides2016.

Ahead of the general elections, President Yoweri Museveni has told a tale about a leopard who got a finger up its exhaust pipe (anus). First off, for a man who cringes at the thought of having to kiss his wife in public, his thoughts do have a gay twist to them! Two; as soon as we are convinced no one can beat Tamale Mirundi’s filter-less mind, Uganda Communications Commissions suspends him so that President Museveni can steal his life.

I think, a leopard might be vicious if one tried to poke its eye. While it might think a finger up its exhaust pipe to be a routine prostate exam. And, depending on how high up the finger went, if it stayed there for a while, I bet my father’s ears this leopard would let the feeling marinate. Picture taken. Picture developed. Picture pixelated. Picture printed. (Road ends here)

Come February 18, 2016, we vote President Museveni; we get sanitary pads, we get hoes, we get (multi-purpose) hoe handles. Multi-purpose because they can be used in lieu of guns during Mchaka mchaka (civic training) they can be used by the Kiboko squad before they can be used as hoe handles. In all, this is a cheaper option as compared to having the health budget pecked at so we can purchase modern war artillery.

We vote President Museveni, we get startup capital for Malwa groups, we get Industries, referral hospitals et cetera. President Museveni gets the oil: Otherwise, coffin makers are in for good business.

Now, thirty years ago when Museveni’s outfit took over power, they took money from people. Today in money sacks and brown envelopes they’ve tried to give it back. Thirty years later we have graveyards of industries. Today, he is promising industrial hubs.

Thirty years ago people could afford to buy their own hoes and cut down their own hoe handles and some could afford to buy cotton rolls to cater for their periods. Today all the aforementioned like USA vegetable oil and American yellow porridge flour are more or less NRM’s charity run projects.

If we were to say that Uganda is in a relationship with President Museveni, you can’t go further than the movie title He is not that much into you to understand that these promises are lackluster after thirty years.

While the plight facing young girls when it comes to sanitary is not to be underplayed, given NRM’s broken record, who can entrust their menstrual period with this lot? How convenient is the handouts answer to this question?

A little comfort would be born out of conclusive solutions say; if the NRM regime was offering to remove taxes on all sanitary products. Or offering to raise the salaries of civil servants. Or investing in technology or looking to see that those who engage in the production of recyclable sanitary products do not hog the technical know-how. These solutions would mean that at the end of the day, people are self-reliant.

It is not easy to overlook the past scandals and what that may mean if the ‘Sanitary Pads project’ is mismanaged. Chances are this is a good project in NRM’s eyes. Even better, they furnish thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen year old girls with sanitary pads for five years, they get potential following and voters come 2021.

You mess up this project midway in Museveni’s coming term, you have a teenage riot. And since during Ugandan protests everyone uses what they have at their disposal; Makerere University students throw stones, Kisekka market traders burn tires, teachers, doctors put down their tools; you don’t want thirteen to sixteen year olds to throw blood soaked rags in protest. You don’t want that. We don’t want that. It will get bloody. That might just be the end of your regime.

All in all, President Museveni is on a roll. He is so generous this time around I am moved to believe that if men planning on marrying Ganda women in the next five years asked him to advance them money to buy the prerequisite that is Buganda certificates, he’d have a fund set up for that pronto. Who knows, he might just as well spring Federo on the Baganda who will develop sudden heart conditions and die. Which might relieve him of the endless whining from this group anyway.

But, it’s not for these buy-one-get-one kind of offers for votes that we must send President Museveni to the State House. We should vote for President Museveni because he is the only President really into the East African Federation. It’s the East African Federation that will save our souls. Make our dreams come true. Here’s how:

The East African Federation takes shape, we get Free Universal Health headquartered in Kenya. Kenyans take on the luxury of dissecting our boils. We get to share with Rwanda her good roads. Tanzania will be our take no prisoners guy when it comes to the leprosy that is Ugandan and Kenyan corruption. We get a good thing going, we get to take selfies with the Al Shabaab. Burundi’s future status is still pending. For now, everyone keeps their positions on the fence.

So, Kenya has got our health. Tanzania deals with our corruption. Rwanda has our roads. What will Uganda bring to the table? As evidenced by President Museveni’s commitment to Malwa groups, Uganda will be in charge of recreation and alcohol production.

What our neighbors need to know about this venture is, Malwa group circles can also function as real time dating sites.

If all those good things that await us in the future are not enough to convince you to vote President Museveni, then I hope his position regarding ‘his oil’ should.

It is not enough that President Museveni continues to impress us with what he can do to make our lives better. When it comes to his oil, the possibility of him having it dyed the darkest shade of yellow before it hits the global market is besides the point. Everything else pales when it comes to his oil and he is willing to go all Don Corleone on us if he doesn’t win the election.

If in the end he doesn’t win please note that he is not in this thing to see how much Ugandans like him. He is in this thing to return to State House. What he is trying to say or what he is saying is; he is not your mother. Vote for him or he kills you on his way back to the State House.

Ahead of the 2016 polls, if you have little faith in President Museveni, and you haven’t talked to your coffin guy in a while, call him. Place your order.

The author is a Ugandan originally from Masaka.

  • http://www.muwongelaw.com/ Emmanuel Lubega Muwonge

    Margaret toggwayo. Originally from Masaka? So where are you from really? Okay. What is the meaning of this “A coffin guy’s guide to heaven and hell’? Who is the coffin guy? Do you know any or are we supposed to be guessing who this is? I guess it doesn’t matter as long as we provide him with the appropriate weight height info and preferred shade of the yellow color!