A tale of two strippers and Mr. Innocent-PART 1

I remember like many of you guys out there,  by the time I was  18 or 19 I was  still a virgin and had never taken any booze. Anything that I knew (which was a lot)  had learned from books but I had zero social skills.

You could say I was a third world nerd. I was really awkward especially around women. I can remember one day my sister brought home one of her Asian friends from school. I really liked her so much and I didn’t know what to do about it or express my feelings so I went upstairs and took an exercise book and threw it down to her!

Don’t ask me why because I also don’t know. I was just one weird eccentric boy. So in the process of her avoiding the book from falling on her she banged her head against the wall behind her. She started crying and left.

That’s how terrible I was but it was because of love. Shortly after that I decided to become an alter boy with the hope of evolving into a celibate priest that doesn’t have to deal with women issues. There’s actually a table at my grandparents’ home where my cousin etched out the date I vowed I will never get involved with a woman (or man, because in 2015 you have to clarify) or get married.

Fast forward to 2007, women are looking really nice unlike in 1997. Now I no longer want to be a priest. In fact I even stopped being a catholic. Adolescence did its thing. I always used to wonder what could possibly be attractive about a woman’s buttocks or chest. Actually to some extent I still do. If you think about it doesn’t make sense. Why does it turn you on?

Anyway, the point is now I couldn’t focus anymore on priestly duties and I started noticing the girls who had metamorphosed into heavy laden blessed butterflies. As my buddy Al Musa would say, “Basso Profundo.” I dreamed of girls all the time. But i still had no idea of how to approach one. The nerd in me tried reading about it, but I just got rubbish advice like’ “Be spontaneous.” The only kind of spontaneous I knew was ‘spontaneous combustion’ from my science class. And if throwing exercise books at girls is not spontaneous enough then I don’t know what is.

So now I’m 18 and still a sober virgin who can’t point Odeon from Fire Station. I was so green, like John Snow I knew nothing! So my cousin decides to take me to a club for the first time and he takes me to a strip club! (I’m not the only crazy one in the fam) and this became my default hangout for the next  5 years (but I’ve transformed since). So there I was with half naked girls. I was so innocent I didn’t sexualize them at all. They wouldn’t get completely naked in this club, but just pole dance in a bra and thong. I don’t know why people find strip clubs evil but find it okay to dress like this at a swimming pool or beach. Like why are bikinis and swimming costumes ok in a public swimming area but mini skirts not? Who makes these rules anyway? They don’t make sense.

Now, this extremely beautiful stripper approaches me one day and goes like, “Hi, I’ve been seeing you around lately. I’ve always wanted to talk to you but you never seem interested. You know, I kind of like you.”  My ears got wet from hearing this, my heart had come up to my throat to stop the butterflies in my stomach from escaping. What was happening? i didn’t know what to do or say. My eyes darted around the club frantically searching for an exercise book I could throw on her head to tell her I liked her too.

The only one available was with Pat, the bar lady and it had records of stock and sales so I couldn’t throw that. Plus it was a hard cover so it would probably injure my newly found bae. No one told me that it was her job to entertain patrons.I really fell for it. She asked me for my phone number and I couldn’t believe it. At this point I was in tears and all I could say was, “Thank you, Imela.”

I went back home that day a changed man, all serious and stuff. There was this thuggish American gangsta 2pac-ish voice in my head saying, “I gotta provide for my woman, knowwarramsayin?” Just like that I was ready to marry her.

But I still believed in no sex before marriage so I was taking it slow and waiting for marriage… with a stripper!!! (see how naive I was?) This must have been really fun for her because I loved her  to bits and spent a lot on her. I would get her a cab home every time but I never once asked to get inside since I didn’t want her to feel pressure for sex.

I would even decline when she asked me to come inside because I wanted her to really know that I just love her for her. That’s what the relationship books advised. I thought I was scoring major husband material points.

Little did I know some women just want to get laid.  An African wise man said, as you wait for mangoes to ripen others are eating the unripe ones with salt. Or as my brother says, “Kazi ya kuchemsha maji halafu mtu mwingine anakuja anaogea.” One morning I payed bae a surprise visit and I found her with another man in bed. I was heartbroken and devastated. I ran home crying, then later on the very same day I invited her for one last lunch.

She had messed up but you know if you really love someone you don’t just stop loving them just like that, hivyo tu, ma! I cried all the way through lunch and she ended up carrying my food as takeaway, which she probably shared with the guy she left in bed to come eat my expensive lunch. That is when I started learning the harsh realities of this world. My friends couldn’t sympathize with me since according to them if we weren’t having sex then she wasn’t really my girlfriend and therefore they wouldn’t understand why I would be heart broken by someone I wasn’t even sleeping with. I thought love was the deal breaker because that’s what I was taught in school but it turns out sex seals the deal. No sex, no relationship…………….to be continued! Watch this space for Part 2