Jesus and Museveni to Simon: “hands off our prostitutes”

It was nearing noon when Simon arrived at God’s residency. For all reasons unknown to man it had chosen to rain today. The murram road leading to the country side ended up in the usual insensitive fashion of all murram roads in the Banana Republic looking like amateurish bricklayer’s project.

Simon groaned and grunted as he furiously wiped his mud stained shoes in the grass stretch along the fence line. Indeed the downpour had made a joke out of his 4WD.

Little did he know that giving the accelerator a really hot stepping would only send into a little dance; this way and that way before some evil force pulled it off the road and buried it on its belly in a ditch.

“Perhaps he should rally his fellow ministers to petition the president. That’s right, they needed ‘emergency times’ helicopters.” he smiled readying himself to enter God’s Kingdom only to be alarmed.

The slippery road blip had made him forget about this fact. But why?

I have not stolen any government funds.” he absolved himself.

Perhaps God was going to laud his recent campaign against prostitution. Here’s a vice that leaves divorces, bedroom cold wars, money laundering perhaps (because what is that Bad Black saga about?) and rising cases of HIV in its wake. Simon has since given his anti-prostitution campaign fresh impetus.

‘Arrest those who procure that sex as well’ was the new order.

“That must be it! I should get a star besides my name.” now contended he nudged the gate.

He was in the process of peeping through the tiny space as the result of the nudge when Jesus’ booming voice startled him.

“For heaven’s sake, Simon, there are twelve bloody commandments! What is your problem?” Jesus roared.

“Good afternoon,” Simon stammered as he slowly turned in the direction of the voice.

“Twelve bloody commandments. Where does it say; Thou should not commit prostitution?”

“Well, Christ, prostitution is bad.”

“To whom?”

“To them. To men.”

“How?”

“They seduce married men. Even worse, they seduce young men. School going young men…” leaning towards Jesus’ in a ‘for––your––ears––only manner’  “and now the male harlots are promoting their lewdness among upright men,” he finished bobbing his head.

“Seduce them, eh?”

“Yes,”

“I don’t know, Simon, do they walk around selling or hawking their ‘personal effects’ knocking on doors like Jehovah’s Witnesses do?”

“No”

“Knock knock. Who is there? Harlot. Harlot who? Harlot from next door. Today is discount day.” Jesus continued animatedly.

“Christ, it is a nasty trade.” Simon quipped matter of factly.

“What is not?”

“I don’t know,” came Simon’s hesitant reply.

“And who is on a test here?”

“Me?”

“Dammit, I mean, is it the prostitutes or is it your upright men who are on the test?”

“Me, Christ. I mean it is my job to rid the city of that scum.”

“Your job?”

“Yes,”

“Who asked you to?”

“Museveni.” Simon nervously responded. Now sweating profusely because he knew this was a lie, he used the arms of his jacket to wipe away the sweat rolling down his face.

“Okay. Why do they do it?”

“They are lazy.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes,”

“Supposing they weren’t lazy. Supposing they woke up willing and ready to do the real jobs, what would they do?”

“Work like everyone else.”

“Like who? Teachers?”

“If they have the skills, why not?”

“Teachers fry and eat sand, man. Fat chance is some of them have resorted to selling ‘personal effects’ to support themselves. Think, man. Why do they do it?” Jesus asked now seeming to be running out of patience.

“I don’t know.”

“Most can’t find work. Others its greed. You understand?”

“Well…”

Turning to Gabriel now heading towards the mango tree for the usual afternoon board game session, Jesus asked; “Can you believe this guy?”

“What did he say?”

“Prostitution is a very nasty trade.” Jesus.

“Huh?” Gabriel snorted out the enormous sip of gin he had taken on his way. “You know what is nasty, Simon?”

“You tell me.”

“Thinking that if you burn or destroy condoms everyone turns to Tom and Jerry and everything is suddenly alright.”

“Gabriel, get Museveni on the line” Jesus ordered. A development that left Simon panicky. Imploringly as Gabriel dialed Simon held onto Jesus’ lower arm saying it wasn’t necessary. When Gabriel said ‘Hello’ into the speaker Simon mouthed to Jesus ‘he is going to kill me. I beg you please. Don’t mention that to him.’ “Museveni?” Gabriel queried as he pressed the speaker on button.

“Yes, this is him” Museveni replied.

“How are you doing?” Jesus asked.

“Not so great. Not so great.”

“Why not?”

“Some bad elements want to bring down this country.”

“What is happening?”

“Eh, my friend, you listen to whatsapp and hear for yourself. Me, I can’t repeat the words that I heard coming out of some foolish people’s mouths. By the way, do you know how to turn off that thing?”

“Whatsapp?”

“Yes,”

“You and me both, sir. I have no clue.”

“I swear to you our grey matter is in knots this time. We turned off CBS alright, but this time the devil is against us.” Museveni replied before asking to what he owed the call.

“Why are you harassing my people? Jesus asked.

“Which people now?”

“Prostitutes.”

“Now who is tying goat’s ears on me by way of setting me up as a leopard hunt? Those are my people too?”

“But Simon has this campaign––”

“Simon and his overt obsession with that subject. Don’t waste your breath on that.”

“I must, your government is embarrassing these poor souls, parading them on 7 O’clock news as if they are the number one enemies of the state. Do you know who the number one enemies of the state are?”

“Of course, yes. Of late that Mbabazi and those fools on whatsapp. Besigye, we are about to contain that one.” Museveni continued. He said that even if he wanted the prostitutes out of the city this was not the time. Elections are around the corner and election time meant––prostitutes stopped appearing like prostitutes to him. They took on the form of votes and voters and he was afraid Simon’s campaign might drive these very important and potential NRM supporters into Besigye’s camp.

“Those are my constituents! He should know that. I don’t know why he doesn’t pursue the thieves in government. Stealing government money takes the first spot when it comes to immorality.”

Museveni asserted he didn’t appoint Simon minister of Ethics and Integrity only for him to run his own agenda. Quoting the Ten Point Programme he cited the reasons why he (Museveni) spent six years in the bush and stifling people’s freedoms was not one of them.

“I thought so too.” Gabriel slurred.

“I don’t know what is wrong with that man. Him and Ssempa. They are scaring away my donors and investors and tourists. Where do they think our daily bread is going to come from? Zimbabwe?”

“I don’t know.” Jesus replied.

“And Ssempa had the nerve to ask me to follow him on twitter. Follow him on twitter? To where? HELL!” Museveni concluded promising to put a stop to that nonsense.

All the while Simon who was breathing through his nose let out a deep sigh of relief.

“Can I have a drink of water?” Simon asked.

“We are out of water.” Jesus replied.